Lost In The Woods

Most Tactical Man (Parody)

*We hope you find a good laugh in this. It was just for fun!

So you find yourself lost in the woods.

This reminds me of what my Pappi use to say when this happened to me. His rich advice still guides me to today. He would look me straight in the eye, and say “Don’t get lost dip sh#$!” Those words still bring tears to my eyes today. Getting lost in the woods takes me back to my childhood days. As a child of eight my father would often times take me to the woods for a fun filled day of my favorite game called “Ditch me, in hopes I don’t find my way home”. Hahaha what great times. Over the years I have developed a system of survival I have labeled and have copyrights to the name of this system. I deemed these skills and named them “Survival Skills”. If anyone uses this phrase, I get a nickel for each infraction.

Today we discuss Using your knife and paracord to survive.

Depending on the situation, some of the first things you’ll probably need to accomplish r find water, starting a fire, and getting food. I of course can start fire with my skills using only dental floss and water, but normal people will need that handy paracord bracelet from rct. Get yourself some dry kindling (my dad said that was Portuguese for a beer, later I found out that when mom said get some kindling for dad she meant dried wood dry grass not a cold one).
Now, find a good spot for your fire, probably not under a tree or in a bear’s nest. Put your grass in a small pile so it looks like a nest (birds nest, not bear nest). Using the flint on your amazing RCT paracord bracelet make some sparks (if I have to explain how to do this, you probably going to die in the wilderness anyways.) When the grass gets a little ember in there start to lightly blow. Once you got a small flame I like to throw a duraflame log on it. Those things last for hours out there in the wilderness.
Now that we have fire, we need some drinks. I usually do a rain dance, but your probably untrained and need a more conventional method. What I suggest is you don’t go out in the wilderness without water. If you did, well read a book. I think all books will tell you not to do that. But if you find yourself without water, well that sucks to be you. If you have no water right now and are reading this, since it’s online I would probably just email someone to bring me some water. Other things you can try is, locate a circle k, u can usually find a great water source there. Also if you can find an Ihop, or a drinking fountain, these r great places to find water. Sometimes in the wilderness I will find a green hose, if you follow this little rainbow, at the end you will find a knob. Turning this knob usually provides water.

So we have a Duraflame fire, and water, we need some food. At this point I take out my trusty nemesis. I get a large spear looking stick. I begin to shave down the end of the stick until it comes to a point. I find an old willow tree and using my nemesis I poke the knife into the sweet spot. Out comes a black nectar. Using this nectar, I mix it with some chargrass roots, thistle thorn oil, and a bear claw (find this in the bear nest). Using three round rocks I grind into a powder. I take this powder and throw it over my left shoulder for good luck. I now use the pointed end of the spear to pierce threw the Carls Jr hamburgers I brought. I make extra care not to disrupt the tomato patterns created by the food artist known as Steven. I now eat. I have had some readers say, what if you don’t have a hamburger. My point is, well then don’t get lost in the woods and read a book. Don’t whine because you aren’t prepared.

I hope this was helpful, and as my dad always said “What the hell you doing!”.

Have a great day